| Funerals. |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|08:23 pm] |
So.. I came back from a funeral of the brother of the woman who was the wife of my dad's best friend in high school. (Those two might as well have been another aunt and uncle, I grew up with them around and they are dear friends.)...
But.. her brother passed away. I was at the memorial service. It was packed, and only a fraction of the people there were his relatives. The rest seem to be well wishers and acquaintances and friends he had made throughout his lifetime. One of the eulogies was delivered by a young woman who was in a wheelchair. The wheelchair is really irrelevant. What matters is this about to graduate college woman could not help but break down in tears talking about the first person she'd met at this church, an usher to became a good friend and benefactor to her.
Me, I've been to funerals before, from several different denominations of church. I've been to enough to recognize certain types of memorials. I was annoyed that the pastor/minister took part of the service to give what amounted to a sales pitch for his particular flavor of Christianity. I'm not a particularly religious person..I'm probably best described as a lapsed or twice a year Catholic. However, as the people sang the songs from this particular church, I just was struck by the faith, the blind hope that there was someone, or something out there that had a vested interest in them and would see them through to whatever comes next or that they would get some well deserved reward. I felt kind of bad for them. Not that I have any great insight into the universe, but, really, in all this vast cosmos, there was some supreme being that set us on this little ball of rock and has attention vested in us to the degree it blesses or tests us, or sees how well we keep to his rule set, with the promise of a big reward and a seat at the big kids table when we shuffle off this mortal coil? I just don't see it. I'd like to think we go somewhere, but honestly, if we wink out of existence, I won't know it, and I won't exist to care about it. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade or preach my own version of things to the masses to convert them to my way of thinking... it's not what I'm about. I just find that most religion is a thinly veiled control mechanism.
Am I on the other side of this? My friends who pitched religion over the side, and some who say they are going to suck the marrow from the bones of this existence because it's all we know we have and there's no sense in wasting it? No.. I'm not quite there, either. Don't get me wrong, the older I get, the more I am able to step outside of the mainstream box, and find that there is a lot more to this whole gig than my narrowly taught world view ever allowed, but I don't know that I am quite ready to embrace full on hedonism (I think that's the word I'm looking for) and ride this life to the ragged end.
Religious musing aside, the other thing that struck me were the sheer number of people this otherwise quiet fellow seemed to have touched. A real George Bailey moment. I wondered if I were to die tomorrow, how many people would show up. Am I George Bailey also? Have I touched enough lives in a meaningful way that people would miss me when I am gone, or would it just be a few relatives, there at the church out of familial obligation? Have I made something worthwhile of my existence? Have I made the existence of others better by my contact? Would anyone want to see me off, just because they missed me? I don't know. I think back, and I have interacted with a lot of people, but I honestly don't know if I've left a mark on them, one that they are happy to bear. I think, perhaps, I know the answer is that I probably haven't done enough, and I should try to do more, if for no other reason than I can. I have had a physically easy life. I've not really known hunger or homelessness, I've never been in a state where I didn't know where my next meal would come from or that I couldn't provide for the basic necessities of life for my wife and children. (Necessities hell... I think I've probably provided for them what most would consider a fair bit of luxury.. which is fine by me.)
There are times my political views are diametrically opposed to those around me whom I hold dear. It's given me pause for thought on more than one occasion. Yet, if I were to do things the way they wanted, or insisted were the 'right' way to do things, I would not be where I am, nor would I have been able to do the things I have done for myself and others. I wrestle with the value of being the way I am, versus the way they are, and I wonder who is right, and who is the more caring of their fellow man. Would I open my home to a stranger in need? I have done so. Would I feed a person when others would turn them away? I have done so. Would I sit with the dying and comfort the living who are left behind? I have done so. Would I seek a reward for this, or recognition? No... it never occurred to me to do so. I do what I think is right. Not because a deity commands or threatens me with it, or because some party says I have to. I do what I do because I choose to, and I didn't need someone else to do my thinking for me, or tell me what was right or wrong.
Now, obviously, I've got some framework. My parents, and the education I got, religious and secular, all had a role in shaping me, in putting me in the position to accept or reject what they taught.... but I did the choosing, I did the decision making, I made the call.
So... I wonder.. does that make me a good person, or a bad person? I have been vilified and praised in almost equal measure, here and in my daily life, for my stances.
Do I believe in the Christian God, or Jesus? No.. at least not as Man tells the tale.
Do I think that some force or being created the universe as a curiosity or experiment or plaything? It's possible.
Do I think that we go anywhere when we die? No, not really... I just don't see how or where. I guess I'll find out eventually.
Do I think that I am a good person? Basically? Yes.. though not without my darker moments and indulgences.
Do I think I would be missed by more than my immediate family? I don't know. I hope so? but, I'm not as great a person as some I know, so, I think maybe I would pass quickly and quietly, and without notice.
Yeah.. I have strange thoughts when I am in a funeral full of people I don't know. |
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