|Hey... here's the news that's fit to print.
||[Jun. 1st, 2003|10:11 pm]
Shortly after 4 this afternoon, my wife had a shortness of breath, went pale, threw up, and said her chest hurt. No.. not a heart attack...
I call 911...
they take her away... they don't think it's a heart attack.. they're not sure what it is.. we'll see you at the hospital.
I get to the hospital, kids in tow. there is this paniced nurse calling out for 'Mr. Biro'... this is not good.. she leads me off to one of those little rooms where the doctor tells you bad news.... I start to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.... Doctor comes in.. sits me down.. more bad.. they never make you sit for good news...
It's a blood clot.. at least they think it is.. in her lungs.... they are going to do a CAT scan to be sure.... but her blood oxygen levels are so low, they had to put her on a breathing tube...she's critical. Oh god...I might lose her.
I'm waiting in the little room, I set up the laptop so the kids can watch a DVD and be distracted. I see people run by the room, I hear a shakey voice call a code blue... (heart failure)... I just *know* it's her.
I was right.. Her heart stopped. She almost died on the way to the CAT scan.
her blood oxygen levels were dangerously low, her blood was in resperatory adcidosis.. (i.e. she was dying).. her pupils had stopped responding. They were pumping her full of drugs to try to get something resembling a blood pressure on her. They were prepping her for emergency surgery to try to clear out the clot from inside the vein.
The nurse comes in, tells me that if she's got any family, I should call them, and tell them to come, it's not good.
I saw her in the trauma room... tubes everywhere, eyes open, vacant.. I flashed back to the last days of my Father's life in the ER. It was happening all over again. I was about to lose someone else close to me. I was numb.
she, mercifully, stabilized... The doctors, however, weren't much help, talking to each other, saying things like "I'm amazed she got this far. I didn't expect her to". Jesus H. Christ. I'm standing right there, you don't talk about a man's wife like you're surprised she's still alive.
So, I'm at her side, realizing that this could very well be the end of her, and I won't even get to say goodbye.. AGAIN. I'm being robbed of my loved ones one after the other. Ironic that today is the day I decided to buy her flowers, isn't it? They may well be the last thing I get to tell her.
Mercifully, she didn't die. The initial batch of drugs they gave her to paralyze her wore off. she started moving her hands and her eyes started responding. She was responsive. Could answer yes and no questions. She was aware, but unable to talk. the tube in her mouth kinda makes that impossible, and her mouth was full of blood. I wanted to talk to her. I got out a couple things, but, she was in pain, and with some uncertainty, I agreed (as did she), to be sedated again... so she once more was unconcious.
To be faced with the prospect of losing her, just like that.. poof. gone. Was profound. If I ever had any doubts about caring about her, I pretty much answered that question. I used to think, sometimes, when I was particularly upset or alone, that I wanted to be alone, without her.. I understand now... I don't ever want to be without her.
I'm feeling rather stoic at the moment... There are people asking me for information about her every two minutes, her family, my family, family friends...I have no time to feel much of anything. I have to hold it together for the sake of everyone else. I'll find time later to deal with the deeper meanings of what I'm going through.